On Sunday, my Son’s GF texted me a picture of my Son. (^^That picture^^)They were at a restaurant, having dinner. Spring break was ending and eating out was probably the last thing they needed before starting their new quarter. Or at least that is what this Mom thinks. The picture just made me happy.
I look at life so differently now. I’m a Mom of Bigs. My Son is a big kid now. He doesn’t need me. Or does he? He has proven that he can buy his own groceries; cook; go to school and work. He doesn’t come home much anymore. His time frame is very lean now. Making any commitments on his end is hard. It’s not just a school thing – it’s now a school AND work thing. So, our time with him is limited, too.
My Husband and I went on our first vacation without him – a few weeks ago. It was weird. Not worrying about him. Did we order him a snack for the plane ride? Did he eat? Did he get enough sun screen spray on him? Is he at the pool or the beach? Did he go back to the room? Can I read a book or should I make sure he is swimming and not at the bottom of the pool? Is the hot tub too hot? Will he know it’s to hot? He wants to go grab some musubi across the street – is that okay? He would leave and I would go look and made sure he didn’t get hit by a car. I would immediately, go back to my pool chair – just so no one know what I was doing – my kid would never knew and my Husband would just think I went the the bathroom.
Now that I’ve been home for a few weeks – I look back and think – what the hell?! No wonder I’m medicated! I need to turn it off! Bah! Here’s the thing – my kid is 21!! I still worry about him like he is three. Why?! He was raised right. He’s a fab kid. He is soooo loved.
He has had the same GF for a few years now – we love her – they are super great together. Because of her I don’t worry much about him being away at school. I now know someone else that loves him just as much as I do – is taking care of him. I still worry. It is getting easier… The Lord knew I only needed one… TYJ
If you know me – you know I LOVE Hawaii and I LOVE plants… (insert my blog name) I have traveled the world, but I love Hawaii. I am obsessed with the plants there. I love the way they grow. The humidity just does wonderers for the growth. It’s just so cool. These pictures are all from my Sister-In-Laws house. She planted all of these and takes such good care of them. They are so lush and happy. When I look at these pictures – they make me H-A-P-P-Y! Enjoy!
Do you have that person in your life that shouldn’t be? And by shouldn’t be, I don’t mean it in the way that they are a bad person, one that treats you bad… It was me that was that person. And The person that shouldn’t be there, is my Step Mom. Her name is Linda. I honestly can’t remember when she wasn’t there. She married my biological Dad when I was young. My “real” parents (if you will…) got a divorce when I was 13 months old. I never knew that relationship. With that being said, I still spent time with my “real” Dad and I only remember when Linda was there. They were married for 20 something years and then divorced. I was in college at that time.
After they divorced, he moved on and to a different state and re-married. After that, I’ve seen him twice. Twice… Once after my Son was born and the last time was when my Son was 18 months. My Son is now 21. I’ve seen him twice and have not heard of him or from him, since. As I am a Mother, I think that is weird. But, it’s life. That’s just the way it goes. His wife has died and I did reach out; via a sympathy card. Still haven’t heard from him. Do I need to? Probably not. I just would never not have anything to do with my kiddo. That would never happen. It hurts. But you move on.
My Step Mom, has stood by me. When she shouldn’t have. She has come to the very important events in my life. Not just showed up, but was there. Some things, I’m sure were inconvenient. She was still there. For example – she showed up for my kiddos HS Graduation. It was a big day for my whole family. The closest people, or the ones that should be, couldn’t be there. Privately – that hurt. She was there – for me. She felt like she needed to be there – for ME. I needed her. It still means so much.
I was mean to her when I was a kid. Even as an adult. You know – I knew everything. More than her. Not only was I mean, I was mean to her face. Right in front of her. I look back and hate that part of me.
Linda was the first adult to bring me to a church. She taught me how important the Lord was/is. Church was important. SHE taught me that. Sometimes when I am in Seattle, I still drive by that church. It brings me happiness.
The thing I love the most about her is her simple kindness. I hear from her almost daily. It means so much – I’m 50 and I NEED this. She just gets it. Gets me. She has always been kind – it was me that wasn’t. This is what I see on the daily:
Just the time that she takes; it makes me happy. I’ve never had this – especially as an adult. It just makes me happy.
Thank You, Linda. You make my heart happy. I feel remembered. You could have walked away. You never did. You are the B-E-S-T Step Mom a kid could have ever had.
This picture – this is what my head feels like. At all times. I’m tired. Exhausted. I cannot turn my mind off. Ever.
Taking care of your elderly parents is hard. You are now the parent. They don’t really like that, but they get it. You are the decision maker. Period. The decisions I have had to make – they couldn’t. It’s overwhelming. My Therapist helps me get through it. To help me better understand it. The hard part – this is the norm. I do remember both of my in-laws going through this many years ago. I didn’t know how hard it was. They made it seem easier – OR, I didn’t pay attention. When somebody else is doing it, it is easy to look the other way. If I look around the Friends I have at my age – we are going through this in some way. It’s a whole other world. I feel like I have lost so much control taking care of myself, MY family. I mean, I still am a Mom and Wife. Two of my favorite titles. Right now I suck at both. Which hurts. Really hurts. They don’t get it and they shouldn’t have to. I never want my kid to have to do any of this. Or make the decisions I have had to – good or bad. It’s so much thought. It is a process. A time consuming, life consuming, process.
If you think you have people around to help out – don’t count on it 100%. Ever. Most of the time that does not work. You have to depend on you. Your the one you can count on. Nobody else. That in itself is exhausting. As my Parents live 100 miles away; it’s a commute. A commute that needs/should be done every 2 to 3 weeks. I try to make that time line – every 2 to 3 weeks… Every 2 to 3 weeks. Like clock work. I can do the drive with my eyes closed. I am down to knowing this drive to the minute. Could be the second. It’s just in my blood now.
This is not a complaint. Writing is what makes me aware. It makes me understand. Its just part of the process…
So, a decision was made by my Sister and I about 3 months ago. Our parents need to go into Assisted Living. Assisted Living. Roll that one off of your tongue a couple of times. Hear that – My parents need to go into Assisted Living. That’s a tough one. However, the last few years have been a struggle. Not only for my Sister and I, but obviously, for my Parents. Change. I actually like change. I think that comes from my years in Retail. I always loved the “new” things; the up and coming; the un known; the rule changing. I never really minded that. Most people are not like that though. I think this is really hitting my Sister hard. And my Parents too. They like the house they live in. They have lived there for close to 30 years. But, they are starting to figure out that the little things aren’t so little anymore. Shoveling snow; Mowing the grass; Making sure you are fed; Getting yourself to and from the Doctor; and so much more. The thought process is exhausting; for all. Therefore, this decision has been tough. We really had to just step in and make life changing choices. In the middle of COVID, none the less. Tough stuff.
Becoming my Parents’ POA was odd. Who makes those kind of decisions? The ones for all Health Care and Financial everything. That’s hard stuff. Granted, my Dad had, had this conversation with me a few years back. Well, a few years back he was healthier. He was younger; he didn’t have cancer. Stepping into this is hard. Writing DNR (do not resuscitate) several times, was scary. Knowing their financials is weird. It’s awkward. Explaining to them – how their money is now going to be spent – from now on. Explaining that all of the money they worked very hard for is now going to be distributed so much differently. My Dad feels like he worked hard and now has nothing to show for that. The catch? He knows that this is what he needs for he and my Mom. As I keep bring up my “Dad” in these recent conversations and not my Mom – Well, that is because she is in a rehabilitation clinic. Has been for a few months. Why you ask? Because when my Dad was in the hospital trying to get (cancer) better, my Mom was home, by herself, and fell. She could not get up and my Sister had a weird feeling, drove out there and just like that – walked into the house and found her on the floor – where she had been for a full day and a half. She is a faller. With my Dad losing over 100 pounds due to his cancer, he can not help her get up. He has lost his strength. Another reason why that decision was made. In the Assisted Living facility that they are moving into, there will be people to help, if she falls. My Sister and I feel happy with simply knowing that. Since my Sister is the “local one”. She is the one always trying to figure out the what’s next, on the long list of things. Thank God she will now have help – At all times.
The process was easy. Did I just say that? Easy?? Honestly, I didn’t know how to start the process, but I do have a Friend that works in this business, if you will. She gave me the phone number to get the ball rolling. I started with that. Getting started was odd. I had no idea what to write on most of the questions. 75% of the questions – I guessed at, with my fingers crossed. They did contact me – so I guess I did okay! There were a total of 6 Social Workers we had to deal with and they were ALL GREAT!! We would have had less, but when you are a married couple and you don’t live in the same house – you get your own. With my Mom being in Rehab, she “lived” at a different place; therefore a different Social Worker. They all helped so much!! They were very gracious with the way they spoke about my Sister and I. It is nice to hear that all of the work we have done and are doing has been noticed and is not typical.
Today my husband was off and I worked half the day and we drove to where my Parents live. Today was POA signing. It was weird. My Dad’s hand writing has changed so rapidly. He was struggling to write. He asked if I could help. He held his hand up, with the other hand. Tried to write and that didn’t work. His signature was always the same. Forever. Until now. His fingers looked different. His wedding ring doesn’t fit. My Mom on the other hand was a whole different story. She hasn’t driven in well over 10 years. She does not have an updated drivers license – it expired in 2013. Her passport expired in 2018. The Notary wouldn’t notarize her stuff. Since the drivers license expired more than 6 months ago, she now has to go in. That won’t happen. She can not get around well. My Dads birthday is next month and he needs a new DL this year. Guess who did it online?? ME! Done.
We got to go on a tour of their facility today. It was awesome! We asked so many questions and got the best answers. The residents were so nice and kind. With COVID, the touring was off. Obviously. But we felt welcomed. It really made me feel happy. This is exactly what was supposed to happen. I feel like I don’t have to keep telling myself that now. This is getting real. Real, real.
I went back to my parents house today as I will not be able to come the following weekend, due to a much needed girls weekend. Something that has been in the works for a few months. I got my Mom to sign her last few bits of paperwork. Her writing; watching her struggle to sign her name. The J is off. The N didn’t look like an N. It is so weird. Really hard for a kid to watch. She was always the one to write the checks as a kid. Signed all of your notes for school. Her signature was always the same. Always. My Dad has been doing all of the bill paying, signings, etc. for the last 15, or so years. Now my Sister is doing it for them. This kind of change is just so hard to watch.
As I was at my vanity today, getting ready, I was listening to a podcast and my phone rang. It was my Dad. I hate seeing the phone ring from their house. I like to be the one calling – I will then know nothing is wrong…
Dad: Hi, kiddo. It’s your Dad.
Me: Is everything okay?
Dad: Yes. Don’t think that every time I call you, something is wrong.
Me: Totally smiling…
Dad: I was wondering, do you think we will be able to move ______ into the apartment….
We then went over the yeses and no’s, the layout, what should work, what won’t, etc. I was just so happy that he is thinking. He is wondering. He is nervous, but excited. I can’t wait to bring the UNO cards over and play a few games. I think the weight is getting lifted off of his shoulders.
I was gone for a Girls Weekend last week. I needed a break. From my parents, from my house, work; well, life. I went with my friends. Good Friends. We played on the ocean. The weather was brisk, windy, sunny, rainy… It was just what I needed. On my way there, my Dad’s social worker called. It came up on the screen, in my car. I chose not to answer. My Gals in the car did say, “Do you need to answer that…?” I didn’t want to. I just didn’t. When we got to where we were staying, I immediately listened to the message. I had to call the following morning. All was well, but its so on going. All.The.Time. It seems to not stop. Ever. Did I actually say this is somewhat easy? Bah!
I can now tell my Dad is questioning this whole thing. I called him yesterday on my way to the gym and said, “Dad, I have your 4-Runner sold, the gentleman will be here on Saturday, early.”
Dad: “Oh, okay. You’ve been busy. I will call Willie tomorrow and make an appointment for Saturday.”
Me: “I already made an appointment. We will be going in at Noon. Doe’s that work for you guys?”
Dad: “Geez, you really have this put together. It’s coming up fast. Okay, I will just see you as planned on Saturday. You better get to the gym.”
Just like that, our conversation was over. What is happening is, my Dad is on chemo for his cancer. It is actually helping and he is starting to feel better. My Mom is now home. She is actually doing pretty well. Can get around without her walker, etc. He is feeling good about both of them being home. Both feeling better; and I mean how bad would it be to just stay home. He is thinking they could do it for awhile more. You feel bad about that. But you can’t look back. Forward moving only. My Sister and I know this is what needs to be done. Still. Things have not changed.
This coming weekend is when my Mom and Dad get their assessments done at the facility. The contract is signed, sealed and delivered. It states that yes- you are moving in. My Mom really hasn’t asked questions; well, at least not to me. I am yearning for them to just get moved in and situated. They will end up liking it. I hope. Fingers crossed.
Well, Saturdays tour went very well. My Mom was unable to go, but my Dad LOVED it! I was so happy! My Dad had his assessment and the gal was able to answer a lot of his questions. It was so nice to hear him telling my Mom about it. Prior to us leaving, he had told me that he wanted to celebrate his birthday (coming up in a few days) at his house, because it would be that last time doing that. By him saying that, it made me sad. Him just thinking that. But, I do think all of that has changed. I now want to make sure we do his birthday big – In the new place!!
After all of the commotion and thinking we really are doing the right thing, my Sister contacted me telling me how excited Dad was, talking to her. That’s when you just keep tackling this beast and know that there will be a happy ending.
I will be traveling back to their house this weekend. This is the true start to the packing. My Sister and I will be doing it together. What do you throw away? Is there things you should keep? What will hurt feelings if it doesn’t show up at the new place? Will they know? I will be ordering a dumpster and going to the dump. Not a lot will be going. Or will it? It’s weird. The following weekend will be the actual move! I am excited for that day.
This coming Monday, I will be taking my Dad to a Doctor that specializes in the removal of my Dad’s kind of tumor. We will be road tripin’. Haven’t done this with him for at least 30 years – since high school. I am hoping my Dad’s health will be well enough to be in the car for a long period of time. Fingers crossed!
So, I took my Dad to his appointment on Monday. It was really fun. We weren’t sure what time to for sure leave, so we left 4 hours prior to the appointment. Not smart. I drove 85 the whole way (I’m not proud of that…) and we happened to get there 2 hours early. Oooooopppsss!! I had to improvise. We drove through Cheney, which is where my Son goes to college. I showed my Dad my Son’s old dorm, the PUB, the red turf field, etc. It is something he would have never seen. It was neat. We then went the back way to Spokane. Found the Cancer Care Center – and still had an hour to kill. We drove through Spokane via Division. It had been many, many years since my Dad had been to Spokane, but he could still refer to the city. His mind clearly worked.
On the way, we drove by many trains and big trucks – he told me stories about them. It was cool. I learned a lot.
When it was finally time for us to go into his appointment we were greeted right away and taken back. The Nurse was pretty intense, but knowledgeable. She knew her stuff. Then the Doc came in. She specializes in esophageal and stomach cancers. She had just read my Dads scans. She made things very clear on the next steps. I think that made us feel better. Everything is still “unknown”, if you will; but we did get some answers. We came up with – no surgery, at this point. She could totally tell that my Dad really does not want to do this unless, he has to. She agreed and said, lets keep doing chemo and start radiation. So, that is the next step.
What I was not ready for were the death questions…. You know, like, if I quit doing chemo rightnow, how long do I have to live…? If I don’t want to do radiation, how long do I have to live…? When we got into the car for our trip back, we talked about results, scans, the Doc, etc. We felt good about the visit. However, I did say, geez Dad, why the death questions? I really wasn’t ready for that… He then, simply says, did you notice she couldn’t really answer them…? I ended the conversation.
The next day was the day that we signed the actual move-in contract and my Mom was going to actually take her first tour. She was very hesitant, as this is difficult. Leaving what you know. She also had to do her first assessment. She absolutely loved her new place! Her assessment went very well, too. She is definitely going into it feeling more comfortable.
Before I left to go home, I gave my Dad a list of a few things that needed to get taken care of. One was, take the 4-Runner off of your insurance (we ended up selling the 4-Runner) and call the cable company and transfer everything so you have cable on the day you move. Simple enough. I told him he will need the new address and that when I got to work, Monday morning, I would call him and let him know what it is. On my way to work, he called me. He called to tell me that I did not have to call back with the address, that he had found a pone book and got the address!! Thank God for phone books! I shared his utter happiness. About an hour later, while I was at work, he called again. This time he wanted to tell me that he got the 4-Runner off the insurance and cable is ready to go for this Saturday. He has to be at the new apartment at 12 to 1 – that’s when they will be there. He then said, your Mother and I will be ready to actually move in by then, can we…? I am so very happy they are this excited.
Tomorrow, we move the Parents in. I’m so excited for them. This is their new, new. More than likely, the last place they will ever live…
It is official – the parents are moved into their new apartment. They seem happy. It makes them content. It is easier. For all of us. I finally feel some sort of peace. I don’t feel worry before I call, if I choose not to call… Relief.
There are a few things left to move, but not things that are a “have too”. It happens to be Easter weekend and I told my parents that I would not be coming this weekend. The first one I have decided to stay home. I need to do stuff at MY home. I want to sleep in, in MY bed. I need to rest my head. I want to wake up and have coffee with my Friends that I haven’t been able to have coffee with for a few months. I need a break. I really need a break…
Next step? Get their house ready to sell. That’s a whole other process. But, I’m ready for it. Jesus took the wheel a long time ago… TYJ
So, as a lot of you know, my parents are moving into a Assisted Living facility within the next few weeks. This change is big. Big for all of us. They are moving out of the home they have been in, close to 30 years. Change is good, right?
Today as I was packing their stuff, my Dad asked if I could help him buzz his head. He has noticed that the chemo has gotten to his hair. He brushed it the other day and noticed clumps of hair coming out. I told him, “of course…” I started and realized I really sucked at the clippers. I told him that there for sure was a reason I wasn’t a barber. He laughed. After words he says, “let me do my beard myself.” Of course, he still wants to do his own thing. I let him go to town. One side was better than the other. One hand works better. He made sure I double checked his longs hairs. I got ’em.
Lastly, I was cleaning out my parents’ laundry room. I found this gem. My Mom has this tacked up in her laundry room…? You know, back in the 80’s/90’s when you got the freebie 11X14 print? This is it. Really??!!
I guess we decided it was a denim theme?? Annie & Sami.
So, I just have to share… I typically don’t do “Local Reviews” if you will, but – I have to share this with you.
My Husband and I were invited to go out to dinner with some clients of his. We went to this place about 45 minutes away from home. In Leavenworth, WA or known as German Town. (Check it out… https://leavenworth.org/ ) They invited us to a restaurant that was off the main street; in a cute house; that was yellow; that was just cute. It is called, Mana. Due to COVID-19, we ate outside in a clear structure. (The main house is open, just at 25%) It fit four of us. The chairs were white and looked cool. We had bright orange blankies if we wanted to wrap up in one – or just put it on your lap. It was warm. The lighting was awesome. The set up was simple – the way I like it. But, it seemed grand. It was grand, in so many ways. The help was freaking fabulous. Not only were they kind, they really knew their stuff. We did a wine pairing and they really could speak that language. …The wine pairing, BTW, was perfection. They know what they are doing. My Husband and his buddy drank a few IPA’s. They both decided to have the servers just pick them out, for them. Not only did they like doing it, but they made it so fun, too. The dinner was 5 courses. Took almost 2 hours, but the service was so awesome! The food is clean. Organic. It felt right. It may seem like I am going on and on, but truly, this was such a fun experience. The food (check out the menu) was so.damn.good. There was not anything I would have changed. Nothing.
Go Check it out!! Just go to the link. You will see everything that I am talking about.
I has been a really fun these past few days. You know when you can get away from home and just sit back and relax? With four really good Friends?? Two of them I have known for 15 or more years and two I have known for probably 5 years. They are Friends that hold me up. All of them. All differently. They are all kind hearted; friendly; honest; but most of all they make me laugh. They are funny! We drink a lot of wine. We eat all damn day and night. We all bring goodies – the kind we just don’t eat at home. Double stuffed Oreo’s, Hershey Bars, cookies, cupcakes and more wine.
We are in Seabrook WA. The town is Cape-Cod-ish. It’s my type of place. They ocean is literally right there. Just across the street. The houses are cool. The people are kind. The wine is cheap and the hiking is muddy, just the way I like it. The tree’s are tall. The waves are big. They have a clam cleaning station. The Bakery is beyond divine. There is a Tequila Bar and a stone pizza joint. The down town area is quaint. Cute stores; great smelling candles; shell jewelry; masks… It is just lovely.
We get up in the morning and coffee up and go straight to the ocean. It has rained. It has been sunny. It is where the Lord hears me. Guides, me. Knows, me. Comforts, me. I feel his strength.
If you don’t not have Friends like this – you need to. It’s an extended weekend of Therapy. You need it. Go out and get it.
It’s Sunday. 2:08pm. I’m still in my pajama’s and my mind is spinning. I have not even thought about a shower. I’m trying to clean, like 14 different things at once. This is normal. Forensic Files is playing in the back ground. This is normal, too… I’m sitting at my computer knowing its time to write. Writing frees me. It gets my thoughts out. They seem to make more sense. I poured myself a glass of wine. I just keep thinking.
One week and one day ago, I got a phone call from my Sister. No biggie, really. But, when I saw that she was calling and before I picked up, something got to me. Why is she calling? Is everything okay? “Hello…” It wasn’t. She simply says, “I think you may want to come home – soon…” Me, “Oh, okay. Why? Is everything okay?” She is getting teary eyed. I can just tell. It scared me. We are in that age of, texting, FB Messaging and not much calling. Not that, that is a good thing, it’s just a thing. I live a couple hours away and due to my job, I told her I will see her Saturday morning. I will come and pick her up. She agreed. Through the week, we made a plan and we’re sticking to it. We had to.
What my Sister called me about was our Dad. He is ill. Has been for awhile. Hates the Doctor. Any Doctor. But he is sick. He has lost 80 pounds since the last time I saw him, which was Mother’s day. Almost 4 months ago. He looks bad. And I mean, BAD… He scared me. His nose looked so weird. Kind-of pointy. I have never seen that before. It made me scared. I felt like I was in the 6th grade again.
My Sister and I held up our end. We were strong. Or were we? We became the parents. When your not, that is hard. We don’t want to be the parents. We still want to be the 6th grader. Our Dad has ALWAYS had our back. Still does. I honestly think he loves the two of us more than anybody on the planet.
I had been praying for this day all week. Reached out to my Prayer Warriors and asked for prayer. Okay – I begged for it. Driving home was fine. I was not scared, just nervous. The Lord had my back, again. I just needed this to go. Good… Right?!
My Dad was mad. And I mean, MAD. I think we were expecting more of a hurt feeling senerio. Nope. The madness was scary. And kind-of weird. He would throw his head back and roll his eyes. Several times.
The history is this. He has always had stomach problems. Always. When we walked in the door, I about lost my breath. He appears to be starving. Literally, starving to death. His skin is grey-ish. Our Dad is almost 7 feet tall. Read that again – Seven Feet Tall. He is a big man. He has never been grossly over weight, just huge. A normal shirt size for him is a 5X. That is normal. If he is lucky, he could fit into a 3X, probably a 2X, now. His bottoms don’t stay up.
Yous ask – what happened? I do know that he has been drinking Ensure’s lately. He told me he is doing this “for extra nutrition…”. He had been telling me this on our weekly conversations. This didn’t make me nervous. When we show up and asked what was going on, why have you lost weight?? He tells us, I have a hard time keeping things down. We ask, Does your stomach hurt? He says, No. After continuous conversation he finally tells us that he feels like his stomach is filled with air and when he eats he feels like he has to burp, but he can’t and then the food comes up. WOW! I mean, What?
After this conversation, my Dad wanted us to do lunch. We went and got a pizza. Family tradition. On the way there my Sister and I were just trying to grasp at what was happening. In that car ride we made a plan. She is going to make the Doctor’s appointments from now on. We decided this because, we could not figure out if he was being honest with us when he tells us he has been going to the Doctor. We found it odd, that his Doctor never questioned a 80 pound weight loss? He says he never said anything. I’m pretty sure he has not been going. Due to the weight loss, my Dad is not driving. Why you ask? He has 0 energy. He couldn’t. My Sister will now be in charge of doing this.
After our Dad ate, he didn’t throw up, but he had to spit out his food. It won’t go down, he said. No nutrition. That’s the weight loss. That’s the no energy. This is what is scary.
We have a plan. We have a Doctor some what in place. Pray for us. This is tough.
It’s a lot. My Sister’s is now homeschooling, too. She has a lot more added to her schedule. It sucks. But what do you do? This is where the respect issue comes in. We want to respect his wishes. But we can see more. We know what he is made of. He’s funny. He’s crazy. But more importantly, he is our Dad. He loves us. We want him to want to live. To get better.
His life decisions have been hard. They still are. We see through it. We want him to be well. Why is that so.damn.hard.?
Ever had a really crappy week?? You know the one you knew was coming? You knew it was coming about a year ago? And if you actually sit back and think about it, you knew it has really been coming for a couple years…?? Well, that was my last week. It finally came to a head on Friday. It is Sunday, a new week and the Lord has me moving forward quite graciously.
You know those relationships that are toxic and you can feel the heat. It feels like fire? Sometimes you think about it and just give the situation the serious side-eye? Me! You know the relationship that hurts not just you – but your kiddo? That’s when your Momma mode clicks in. You let it go. Maybe you want your kid to learn a lesson or two. When the hurt continues there is a time you say enough, is enough. That was my last week.
The thing that I am so thankful for is the Lord. He sooooo had this. He literally showed me the way. I felt it every step of the way. The heaviness left. My head quit spinning. He knew this was coming – obviously, more so than me. His guidance helped me breathe. It helped slow me down. I got focused. Focused on what is important. Family is. MY family. My Friends. My growth.
I look back and on this Sunday, I remember the really good things that happened this week. My husband picked a ton of tomatoes he grew and I am now making spaghetti sauce. My neighbor begged us to come pick some of her peaches and I just made peach cobbler. Shared some with one of my Besties and her family. My house is clean! The In-Laws come over and we visited outside with dinner that my husband made. My Son and his GF were both off work and could enjoy the day with us. The Lord is teaching me what being grounded means. I am thankful for that.
I am thankful for this last week | year | last couple of years… Sometimes learning to leave and move on, is what you need. God showed me that. I’m learning how golden it is, just to look the other way and be quiet and pray – a lot. Keeping your thoughts kind and simply saying good bye. #godsgotmyback
A Bonus to this week was – when my In-Laws were here, I asked my MIL where she got her necklace – she said, “Oh, you like it? You can have it…” I LOVE it.
/re’flekSH(e)n/ : Serious thought OR consideration
In this new time of the COVID 19, aka: Corona Virus, things are different. Things have changed. 2020 became weird. Somewhat scary. It is really an unknown at this point. Will things turn around? When? The College kiddos (including mine) are home. The Governor just announced the other day, that all WA public schools are done for the year. Doing somewhat of an on-line process. What about Prom? Graduation? All of the money parents spent MONTHS ago with Jostens? I feel sorry for this generation. I feel bad for the things that were planned, that are now cancelled. I’m thankful I still have a job. Working from home one week, office the next. I’m thankful, but, I miss my work “normal”. My Work B-E-S-T-I-E-S. I miss the normal.
It is weird having my College student home doing homework. Talk and texting his roommates. They are missing out on their first year of College. You know – those FUN times that your parents don’t know about?? The girlfriend? These kids not only need it, they should have it. It is sad to me.
We were supposed to go to Hawaii last month. At the very last second I said, “We need to back out…” My Husband and Son disagreed. It was a Thursday I suggested this; we were to fly out Saturday morning at 6am. What we kept looking at was our flights. They were fine. Nothing was cancelled. We would get online and look at where we were staying and it was still open and ready to go. We Googled the golf course my family was to golf at. It still said they were open. When my Son tried to call and didn’t get through; that was the moment I put my foot down. Yes, the flights were still on. That was not the problem. What we did not know was that had we gone, the place we were staying was making you stay holed up. You would literally be stuck in your room. All of the pools were closed and all of the chairs on the beach were brought in. They don’t tell you this. The golf course was closed too… We are so glad we didn’t go. At this point we can’t re-schedule. I mean, who knows when this will end?? So sad.
Life changed in a flash.
I started baking. I mean eating. I’m not a baker. I don’t enjoy it at all. I love to eat the goodies though. I just made my third batch of chocolate chip cookies. I’ve eaten most of them. And the dough, too. I’ve gained my Corona 15. Maybe 20.
The hard thing? Watching the people around you that you love and respect, struggle. My gym. I’ve been there 3 years now. I kick box. It’s a kick-boxing gym. I’ve gotten STRONG. I’ve met great human beings. We get each other. The classes I’m missing out on. Going in at lunch to lift. The owner. My Trainer. This is his living. His business is considered non-essential. Why? He does A LOT of one-on-ones. That’s how we get strong. We need this. But, it’s non essential. He still has bills to pay. Rent. In the gym building. Fingers crossed he gets to open back up next month. Next Month…? Really? I know there are a lot of businesses out there that are trying to figure all of this out. I feel horrible for all included.
Doing my Bible Study with my Connection Group, via Zoom is weird. But it is so nice to have that option. We still need each other.
To get my butt moving I’ve picked up hiking, walking our local loop and guess what else? I purchased Beachbody on Demand! WTH? Are you kidding me? I’m truly glad there are no mirrors around when I am doing it. I’m pretty sure I look, over the top, RIDICULOUS! Gross. I do get what I need. It is fun. It’s just not my normal.
I have to see my Therapist, via video. (Yes, I go to a Therapist – EVERYONE should…)
There are some good things these last few months have proved:
I have really gotten into the Word, again. I keep using the excuse that I “don’t have any time…” That excuse is non existent now.
I have read sooooo much. I love to read, but typically I read as I’m going to bed and conveniently fall asleep. Not now. Amazon has even reached out to me for a Author review. Not bad.
I have blogged a lot more. I have also read a lot of blogs that I have wanted to read for well over a year now.
I’m catching up on all of my podcasts.
I’ve cleaned all of the closets in the house! I’m pretty proud of that one…!
Being FORCED to slow down has been nice. In a weird, awkward way. I really am staying in place. Unless I am going out for a walk or a hike, I am staying home.
I miss my normal. I wonder if normal will be back…?
So, as many of you know – I have had a busy summer. My Son graduated from High School, I had a work Conference right after, came home for a few days, we then left for Hawaii with a good friend and two of my Son’s friends; we came home for a few days and cruised to Alaska. It was a super great couple of months. My co-workers probably disagree; but very understanding. The graduation was so fun and full of life. Having a bunch of kiddos around, seeing
them light up as they received their Diplomas, listening to them talk about their future; having the “Graduation Party”. We saw so many Friends and Family and they were all around to embrace our kid. It tugged at the heart strings; but made us so proud. Two days after all of that it was our annual work conference. Gone another week. Came home, packed up and headed off to Hawaii. Took two of my Sons buddies, met up with a great friend and hung out a little over a week. I was a bit unclear about this trip because of the
three boys. You are never sure if they will get along the whole trip, if two will buddy up; you just don’t know. HOWEVER, they were sooo fun and I would take them around the world – in a second. Not only were they fun, they simply made the trip. They lived like rock stars and we had a ball watching them. We came home for about four days and then left for an Alaskan cruise. This was a fun one. My Aunt and Uncle were celebrating their 50th Wedding Anniversary and invited 50 friends and family members. They have spoiled us throughout the years and this was seriously, icing on the cake.
When I look back on my life, my most vivid, “fun” memories, had something to do with my Aunt & Uncle. Their life was insanely busy; BUT they still wanted to see my report card. Gave me kudos; would give me a $5 bill. For all of my school breaks, I was typically with my Gramma. Gramma lived in Seattle and my Aunt & Uncle lived on Mercer Island; or the “Rock”, as the locals call it. Therefore, we were with them a lot. The memories I have of the “Rock” era are so fun and H-A-P-P-Y! I mean, who doesn’t love being on a rope swing, on Lake Washington? What about the Sea Dancer? The bath tub? The round bed? My cousins pictures all over with his perfectly coiffed, feathered hair? Or his hockey pictures? All of the avocado plants? The big glass table? The poker table? The hanging bed? The sauna? Riding around in the Lincoln? The red marble bar? The BBQ pit out back – oh, what I wouldn’t due to have that at my house now… My Aunt’s beautiful, perfectly blonde hair? Her crab salad? The orange furniture? The dancing? What about the sauna? Remember the bridge you drove over to get to the house? Or the fish tanks as you walked in? The Picasso’s? When it was cold – the fire place? Ping pong or Pool? I literally could go on and on. They were the ones that made life so fun. I have always looked back and remembered how hard they worked for such a fun, GOOD life. I always wanted that. They BOTH showed you how important work was. I have ALWAYS thought about that.
Not only was this cruise fun, it was so interesting. Listening to the stories the Friends had. Or the Family. They were ALL fun. Most of the Friends that came, worked with or for them. They knew their integrity. All of them would do anything for them. The stories that were told, were just as if it happened yesterday. The memories are GRAND. They are so happy. Their kindness has ALWAYS mattered. Our dinner time was 8 o’clock every night. However, we all met up around 6:30, in a gated off space just so that we could talk. Communicating was so fun. Listening was even better. Some of the stories that were told – you just wish you could have been a fly on the wall! One thing that was so interesting to me was, how my Uncle responded. I think he was actually surprised we all had so much fun with them AND remembered it all. The pictures he shared nightly, were so awesome! They are pictures I have seen hundreds of times, but seeing my Husband enjoy them, or the young ones look at them, was truly a treasure. My Aunts hair used to be brown. My Uncle hunted a lot back in the day – in his Lincoln. Everybody had cigarettes. There were bottles everywhere. People were just flat happy around them. My Aunt was so damn classy – still is. My Uncle still has the charm, too! Not only were they fun – they still are.
Another fun thing on this cruise were the people that would talk to me about my Gramma. She was such a GREAT, stout woman. I just wish I could have had her for longer. Obviously God needed a true Republican woman up there 🙂 BUT, the lady that has cleaned for my Aunt & Uncle for 40 years – yes, she is still there, told me how much my Gramma loved me and that I was her favorite. Those are the best things to hear when your getting close to, well, what ever my age is… I loved hearing things like that. It was so fun. The stories were something I hope everybody has. Maybe you do. They were fun reminders. They were things you want to be sure and do with your own kiddos.
This cruise was the first trip we had been away from our Son, for this long. And yes, he is 18, but it was new for my Husband and I. With our Son being away for Graduation and Hawaii, we thought it would be best if he stayed back; because he does have a job… I read A LOT; Chris played Poker. We ate whenever we needed to. Slept in. Not having to make sure your kid is having the time of his life, was quite nice. He was so very missed, but I’m pretty sure he had a good time with us away.
As I said, 50 Friends and Family Members were invited. Probably the closest family was, unfortunately, unable to make it. This trip was a true testament that we are all getting older. None of my Aunt or Uncles siblings were there. That was hard on them. The people that they were always the closest too. My Mom being one of them.
My Mom is my Uncle’s baby sister. He has always treated her like that and still does. She got an infection that really took her down. She was in a rehabilitation facility as we cruised to Alaska. His other Sister just found out she may have Parkinson’s. One of my Aunts Sisters stayed back because her Husband is very ill. Of course, they understood, but it was hard on them. Staying close – it’s getting harder. For all of us.
My Aunt & Uncle have one Son. We have always been close. We look like we could be siblings. Our Gramma would always tell me that people would ask her about us. We both have TALL kids. He used to scare the hell out of me growing up with that damn Godzilla mask of his!! His room, growing up, had Heart (as in the band) posters everywhere. The carpet in his room had stripes. -My Aunt was so hip at her designing! I have always felt like we were siblings. We were kind-of raised that way. We look a like, too. This cruise was different for us. Our discussions were different. Their were a lot of tears. We talked about what the next few years are probably going to be like. Our parents are aging. *sniff*
At my Aunt & Uncle’s 50th Wedding Renewal; we all celebrated. We celebrated them. Their hard work over the years. Their kindness. What they have done for all of us. Their class. What hard work looks like. How important time is. Time. Is there ever enough? It’s not just them getting older. It’s me getting older. How do you learn to slow down and take it all in? To ENJOY your time? Do you have to wait?
If I look back at the “fun” times, our parents were the age we are now. THAT is weird. I visited my Mom at the rehabilitation facility she is at, yesterday. I took a picture of her and my self and sent it to my Uncle. He told me how good she looked and to give her a hug. I then sent him a picture of her hands. Her HANDS. They looked just like my Gramma’s. It caught me off guard. The aging parent. It’s hard. We are now becoming the parent. That’s even harder. My cousin and I get it. We “get” it. We just don’t want to.
On a MUCH lighter note. My cousin, the one I was just talking about, had both of his Sons with him. They are both in their early 20’s. It is fun watching him be a Dad. See how he reacts, or doesn’t. His youngest is a Senior in College and he brought his GF. His oldest proposed to his GF on the cruise. It was really neat. I couldn’t figure out if it was a total surprise or not. Super fun though. The ring was gorg and the wedding talks began. I remember being in that situation – many moons ago – But it was so fun!
Speaking of my cousins kiddos… Watching them watch their grandparents was neat. When this was probably the first time they realized their Grandparents are aging. Seeing THAT through their eyes. There was a true realization and tears. Lots of tears. Meaningful tears. Ones in which we will all remember.
Even though the tears flowed, we all had such a GREAT family time. All of the “FRIENDS” are family… At these events – you always meet those fun ones. You know – those fun cousins you want to go hang out with? Maybe throw back a few? (N.O your one of them!)
As for a sincere, Thank You – Uncle J & Aunt D – Your strength, kindness, stealth, honor and love has been a part of my life forever. It is what I remember the most growing up. What you have shared with my child is unforgettable. What you have given me is something that I can not describe. The arm around my shoulder; the simple hug; Election talks… Your love for your family & friends, Trumps everything. You have taught all of us how important work is, in this life. I hope I get back an ounce of what you have. Much, much, much love and so much more. Thank You.
Okay, okay, so I started off writing this blog as a reference to friends that wanted to know how Alaska was… Or where did I go… How was the cruise, etc… I got off track. I always say – Family First. So, here was our agenda and a few things we did:
First stop – Ketchican!
When we were in Ketchican last year, we found a restaurant that we fell in love with. Ketchican Crab & Grille. They don’t have a website, but there food is divine. As soon as we got off the ship – Chris and I literally ran to it. Oh, yeah, it was 10am and they didn’t open until 11am. We then walked a few blocks and got there at 10:55am. The crab is not just fresh, it is GREAT. The service is fun. I mean, just look at these pictures…
Pic on the left is Mac-N-Cheese and pic on right is calamari. They were both sooo good. Ketchican is (what you see getting off a cruise ship) is really “touristy”. We didn’t do any excursions in Ketchican; so all I know about it is, you can buy GREAT gifts for your co-workers. They have diamond stores on every block. The mile-ish that we walked around the dock is fun. Book stores, a clinic, boats. It’s neat. I would love to go out and adventure. Next time…. Here are some very random pictures of Ketchican:
Beautiful, isn’t it? Next stop? Juneau.
Again, we experienced Juneau by walking off of our ship, with the “what do we do” theory?? We ended up taking the Tram up into the tree’s. It was absolutely GORGEOUS! They had a couple of Eagle’s on display, a fun couple of trails, a restaurant – we ended up having a couple brews. The best part? By far, the view. Again, we killed all of our time up in the hills in Juneau with no excursions; but we would do it again.
Our next stop? Skagway.
Skagway was so beautiful. We ended up taking the White Pass & Yukon Route Railroad Summit Excursion & Train Tour. It was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! We learned so much, took tons of pictures and decided if we ever came back we would do the longer tour. It is just so interesting what people so long ago did. Or what they were capable of doing. In the snow; that was so deep. White Pass & Yukon Route Railroad < Check this link out – You will learn so much about what these people endured, built and what we gained.
This is from the tour – Again, AMAZING…
Last stop? Victoria, BC.
The BEST part of Victoria? Butchart Gardens!! I LOVE this place. The history is amazing! ( Information on Butchart Gardens << Check out this link for BG) We simply took the excursion there. Spent a few hours there and then came back in the dark. Super fun! I told my husband, after our Kiddo goes to college, Victoria would be a fun place to hang out for an extended weekend. The pics don’t do this place justice, but here goes…
Other than being with Family and making new Friends, this was truly a great part for me-
I absolutely loved our deck. I LOVE to read and never have time to “just read…”. I did a lot of that, too. For the record – I read 3 books! I also got into the Word daily. The sights were beautiful and the weather was perfect.