Do you have that person in your life that shouldn’t be? And by shouldn’t be, I don’t mean it in the way that they are a bad person, one that treats you bad… It was me that was that person. And The person that shouldn’t be there, is my Step Mom. Her name is Linda. I honestly can’t remember when she wasn’t there. She married my biological Dad when I was young. My “real” parents (if you will…) got a divorce when I was 13 months old. I never knew that relationship. With that being said, I still spent time with my “real” Dad and I only remember when Linda was there. They were married for 20 something years and then divorced. I was in college at that time.
After they divorced, he moved on and to a different state and re-married. After that, I’ve seen him twice. Twice… Once after my Son was born and the last time was when my Son was 18 months. My Son is now 21. I’ve seen him twice and have not heard of him or from him, since. As I am a Mother, I think that is weird. But, it’s life. That’s just the way it goes. His wife has died and I did reach out; via a sympathy card. Still haven’t heard from him. Do I need to? Probably not. I just would never not have anything to do with my kiddo. That would never happen. It hurts. But you move on.
My Step Mom, has stood by me. When she shouldn’t have. She has come to the very important events in my life. Not just showed up, but was there. Some things, I’m sure were inconvenient. She was still there. For example – she showed up for my kiddos HS Graduation. It was a big day for my whole family. The closest people, or the ones that should be, couldn’t be there. Privately – that hurt. She was there – for me. She felt like she needed to be there – for ME. I needed her. It still means so much.
I was mean to her when I was a kid. Even as an adult. You know – I knew everything. More than her. Not only was I mean, I was mean to her face. Right in front of her. I look back and hate that part of me.
Linda was the first adult to bring me to a church. She taught me how important the Lord was/is. Church was important. SHE taught me that. Sometimes when I am in Seattle, I still drive by that church. It brings me happiness.
The thing I love the most about her is her simple kindness. I hear from her almost daily. It means so much – I’m 50 and I NEED this. She just gets it. Gets me. She has always been kind – it was me that wasn’t. This is what I see on the daily:
Just the time that she takes; it makes me happy. I’ve never had this – especially as an adult. It just makes me happy.
Thank You, Linda. You make my heart happy. I feel remembered. You could have walked away. You never did. You are the B-E-S-T Step Mom a kid could have ever had.
So, a decision was made by my Sister and I about 3 months ago. Our parents need to go into Assisted Living. Assisted Living. Roll that one off of your tongue a couple of times. Hear that – My parents need to go into Assisted Living. That’s a tough one. However, the last few years have been a struggle. Not only for my Sister and I, but obviously, for my Parents. Change. I actually like change. I think that comes from my years in Retail. I always loved the “new” things; the up and coming; the un known; the rule changing. I never really minded that. Most people are not like that though. I think this is really hitting my Sister hard. And my Parents too. They like the house they live in. They have lived there for close to 30 years. But, they are starting to figure out that the little things aren’t so little anymore. Shoveling snow; Mowing the grass; Making sure you are fed; Getting yourself to and from the Doctor; and so much more. The thought process is exhausting; for all. Therefore, this decision has been tough. We really had to just step in and make life changing choices. In the middle of COVID, none the less. Tough stuff.
Becoming my Parents’ POA was odd. Who makes those kind of decisions? The ones for all Health Care and Financial everything. That’s hard stuff. Granted, my Dad had, had this conversation with me a few years back. Well, a few years back he was healthier. He was younger; he didn’t have cancer. Stepping into this is hard. Writing DNR (do not resuscitate) several times, was scary. Knowing their financials is weird. It’s awkward. Explaining to them – how their money is now going to be spent – from now on. Explaining that all of the money they worked very hard for is now going to be distributed so much differently. My Dad feels like he worked hard and now has nothing to show for that. The catch? He knows that this is what he needs for he and my Mom. As I keep bring up my “Dad” in these recent conversations and not my Mom – Well, that is because she is in a rehabilitation clinic. Has been for a few months. Why you ask? Because when my Dad was in the hospital trying to get (cancer) better, my Mom was home, by herself, and fell. She could not get up and my Sister had a weird feeling, drove out there and just like that – walked into the house and found her on the floor – where she had been for a full day and a half. She is a faller. With my Dad losing over 100 pounds due to his cancer, he can not help her get up. He has lost his strength. Another reason why that decision was made. In the Assisted Living facility that they are moving into, there will be people to help, if she falls. My Sister and I feel happy with simply knowing that. Since my Sister is the “local one”. She is the one always trying to figure out the what’s next, on the long list of things. Thank God she will now have help – At all times.
The process was easy. Did I just say that? Easy?? Honestly, I didn’t know how to start the process, but I do have a Friend that works in this business, if you will. She gave me the phone number to get the ball rolling. I started with that. Getting started was odd. I had no idea what to write on most of the questions. 75% of the questions – I guessed at, with my fingers crossed. They did contact me – so I guess I did okay! There were a total of 6 Social Workers we had to deal with and they were ALL GREAT!! We would have had less, but when you are a married couple and you don’t live in the same house – you get your own. With my Mom being in Rehab, she “lived” at a different place; therefore a different Social Worker. They all helped so much!! They were very gracious with the way they spoke about my Sister and I. It is nice to hear that all of the work we have done and are doing has been noticed and is not typical.
Today my husband was off and I worked half the day and we drove to where my Parents live. Today was POA signing. It was weird. My Dad’s hand writing has changed so rapidly. He was struggling to write. He asked if I could help. He held his hand up, with the other hand. Tried to write and that didn’t work. His signature was always the same. Forever. Until now. His fingers looked different. His wedding ring doesn’t fit. My Mom on the other hand was a whole different story. She hasn’t driven in well over 10 years. She does not have an updated drivers license – it expired in 2013. Her passport expired in 2018. The Notary wouldn’t notarize her stuff. Since the drivers license expired more than 6 months ago, she now has to go in. That won’t happen. She can not get around well. My Dads birthday is next month and he needs a new DL this year. Guess who did it online?? ME! Done.
We got to go on a tour of their facility today. It was awesome! We asked so many questions and got the best answers. The residents were so nice and kind. With COVID, the touring was off. Obviously. But we felt welcomed. It really made me feel happy. This is exactly what was supposed to happen. I feel like I don’t have to keep telling myself that now. This is getting real. Real, real.
I went back to my parents house today as I will not be able to come the following weekend, due to a much needed girls weekend. Something that has been in the works for a few months. I got my Mom to sign her last few bits of paperwork. Her writing; watching her struggle to sign her name. The J is off. The N didn’t look like an N. It is so weird. Really hard for a kid to watch. She was always the one to write the checks as a kid. Signed all of your notes for school. Her signature was always the same. Always. My Dad has been doing all of the bill paying, signings, etc. for the last 15, or so years. Now my Sister is doing it for them. This kind of change is just so hard to watch.
As I was at my vanity today, getting ready, I was listening to a podcast and my phone rang. It was my Dad. I hate seeing the phone ring from their house. I like to be the one calling – I will then know nothing is wrong…
Dad: Hi, kiddo. It’s your Dad.
Me: Is everything okay?
Dad: Yes. Don’t think that every time I call you, something is wrong.
Me: Totally smiling…
Dad: I was wondering, do you think we will be able to move ______ into the apartment….
We then went over the yeses and no’s, the layout, what should work, what won’t, etc. I was just so happy that he is thinking. He is wondering. He is nervous, but excited. I can’t wait to bring the UNO cards over and play a few games. I think the weight is getting lifted off of his shoulders.
I was gone for a Girls Weekend last week. I needed a break. From my parents, from my house, work; well, life. I went with my friends. Good Friends. We played on the ocean. The weather was brisk, windy, sunny, rainy… It was just what I needed. On my way there, my Dad’s social worker called. It came up on the screen, in my car. I chose not to answer. My Gals in the car did say, “Do you need to answer that…?” I didn’t want to. I just didn’t. When we got to where we were staying, I immediately listened to the message. I had to call the following morning. All was well, but its so on going. All.The.Time. It seems to not stop. Ever. Did I actually say this is somewhat easy? Bah!
I can now tell my Dad is questioning this whole thing. I called him yesterday on my way to the gym and said, “Dad, I have your 4-Runner sold, the gentleman will be here on Saturday, early.”
Dad: “Oh, okay. You’ve been busy. I will call Willie tomorrow and make an appointment for Saturday.”
Me: “I already made an appointment. We will be going in at Noon. Doe’s that work for you guys?”
Dad: “Geez, you really have this put together. It’s coming up fast. Okay, I will just see you as planned on Saturday. You better get to the gym.”
Just like that, our conversation was over. What is happening is, my Dad is on chemo for his cancer. It is actually helping and he is starting to feel better. My Mom is now home. She is actually doing pretty well. Can get around without her walker, etc. He is feeling good about both of them being home. Both feeling better; and I mean how bad would it be to just stay home. He is thinking they could do it for awhile more. You feel bad about that. But you can’t look back. Forward moving only. My Sister and I know this is what needs to be done. Still. Things have not changed.
This coming weekend is when my Mom and Dad get their assessments done at the facility. The contract is signed, sealed and delivered. It states that yes- you are moving in. My Mom really hasn’t asked questions; well, at least not to me. I am yearning for them to just get moved in and situated. They will end up liking it. I hope. Fingers crossed.
Well, Saturdays tour went very well. My Mom was unable to go, but my Dad LOVED it! I was so happy! My Dad had his assessment and the gal was able to answer a lot of his questions. It was so nice to hear him telling my Mom about it. Prior to us leaving, he had told me that he wanted to celebrate his birthday (coming up in a few days) at his house, because it would be that last time doing that. By him saying that, it made me sad. Him just thinking that. But, I do think all of that has changed. I now want to make sure we do his birthday big – In the new place!!
After all of the commotion and thinking we really are doing the right thing, my Sister contacted me telling me how excited Dad was, talking to her. That’s when you just keep tackling this beast and know that there will be a happy ending.
I will be traveling back to their house this weekend. This is the true start to the packing. My Sister and I will be doing it together. What do you throw away? Is there things you should keep? What will hurt feelings if it doesn’t show up at the new place? Will they know? I will be ordering a dumpster and going to the dump. Not a lot will be going. Or will it? It’s weird. The following weekend will be the actual move! I am excited for that day.
This coming Monday, I will be taking my Dad to a Doctor that specializes in the removal of my Dad’s kind of tumor. We will be road tripin’. Haven’t done this with him for at least 30 years – since high school. I am hoping my Dad’s health will be well enough to be in the car for a long period of time. Fingers crossed!
So, I took my Dad to his appointment on Monday. It was really fun. We weren’t sure what time to for sure leave, so we left 4 hours prior to the appointment. Not smart. I drove 85 the whole way (I’m not proud of that…) and we happened to get there 2 hours early. Oooooopppsss!! I had to improvise. We drove through Cheney, which is where my Son goes to college. I showed my Dad my Son’s old dorm, the PUB, the red turf field, etc. It is something he would have never seen. It was neat. We then went the back way to Spokane. Found the Cancer Care Center – and still had an hour to kill. We drove through Spokane via Division. It had been many, many years since my Dad had been to Spokane, but he could still refer to the city. His mind clearly worked.
On the way, we drove by many trains and big trucks – he told me stories about them. It was cool. I learned a lot.
When it was finally time for us to go into his appointment we were greeted right away and taken back. The Nurse was pretty intense, but knowledgeable. She knew her stuff. Then the Doc came in. She specializes in esophageal and stomach cancers. She had just read my Dads scans. She made things very clear on the next steps. I think that made us feel better. Everything is still “unknown”, if you will; but we did get some answers. We came up with – no surgery, at this point. She could totally tell that my Dad really does not want to do this unless, he has to. She agreed and said, lets keep doing chemo and start radiation. So, that is the next step.
What I was not ready for were the death questions…. You know, like, if I quit doing chemo rightnow, how long do I have to live…? If I don’t want to do radiation, how long do I have to live…? When we got into the car for our trip back, we talked about results, scans, the Doc, etc. We felt good about the visit. However, I did say, geez Dad, why the death questions? I really wasn’t ready for that… He then, simply says, did you notice she couldn’t really answer them…? I ended the conversation.
The next day was the day that we signed the actual move-in contract and my Mom was going to actually take her first tour. She was very hesitant, as this is difficult. Leaving what you know. She also had to do her first assessment. She absolutely loved her new place! Her assessment went very well, too. She is definitely going into it feeling more comfortable.
Before I left to go home, I gave my Dad a list of a few things that needed to get taken care of. One was, take the 4-Runner off of your insurance (we ended up selling the 4-Runner) and call the cable company and transfer everything so you have cable on the day you move. Simple enough. I told him he will need the new address and that when I got to work, Monday morning, I would call him and let him know what it is. On my way to work, he called me. He called to tell me that I did not have to call back with the address, that he had found a pone book and got the address!! Thank God for phone books! I shared his utter happiness. About an hour later, while I was at work, he called again. This time he wanted to tell me that he got the 4-Runner off the insurance and cable is ready to go for this Saturday. He has to be at the new apartment at 12 to 1 – that’s when they will be there. He then said, your Mother and I will be ready to actually move in by then, can we…? I am so very happy they are this excited.
Tomorrow, we move the Parents in. I’m so excited for them. This is their new, new. More than likely, the last place they will ever live…
It is official – the parents are moved into their new apartment. They seem happy. It makes them content. It is easier. For all of us. I finally feel some sort of peace. I don’t feel worry before I call, if I choose not to call… Relief.
There are a few things left to move, but not things that are a “have too”. It happens to be Easter weekend and I told my parents that I would not be coming this weekend. The first one I have decided to stay home. I need to do stuff at MY home. I want to sleep in, in MY bed. I need to rest my head. I want to wake up and have coffee with my Friends that I haven’t been able to have coffee with for a few months. I need a break. I really need a break…
Next step? Get their house ready to sell. That’s a whole other process. But, I’m ready for it. Jesus took the wheel a long time ago… TYJ
I has been a really fun these past few days. You know when you can get away from home and just sit back and relax? With four really good Friends?? Two of them I have known for 15 or more years and two I have known for probably 5 years. They are Friends that hold me up. All of them. All differently. They are all kind hearted; friendly; honest; but most of all they make me laugh. They are funny! We drink a lot of wine. We eat all damn day and night. We all bring goodies – the kind we just don’t eat at home. Double stuffed Oreo’s, Hershey Bars, cookies, cupcakes and more wine.
We are in Seabrook WA. The town is Cape-Cod-ish. It’s my type of place. They ocean is literally right there. Just across the street. The houses are cool. The people are kind. The wine is cheap and the hiking is muddy, just the way I like it. The tree’s are tall. The waves are big. They have a clam cleaning station. The Bakery is beyond divine. There is a Tequila Bar and a stone pizza joint. The down town area is quaint. Cute stores; great smelling candles; shell jewelry; masks… It is just lovely.
We get up in the morning and coffee up and go straight to the ocean. It has rained. It has been sunny. It is where the Lord hears me. Guides, me. Knows, me. Comforts, me. I feel his strength.
If you don’t not have Friends like this – you need to. It’s an extended weekend of Therapy. You need it. Go out and get it.
It’s Sunday. 2:08pm. I’m still in my pajama’s and my mind is spinning. I have not even thought about a shower. I’m trying to clean, like 14 different things at once. This is normal. Forensic Files is playing in the back ground. This is normal, too… I’m sitting at my computer knowing its time to write. Writing frees me. It gets my thoughts out. They seem to make more sense. I poured myself a glass of wine. I just keep thinking.
One week and one day ago, I got a phone call from my Sister. No biggie, really. But, when I saw that she was calling and before I picked up, something got to me. Why is she calling? Is everything okay? “Hello…” It wasn’t. She simply says, “I think you may want to come home – soon…” Me, “Oh, okay. Why? Is everything okay?” She is getting teary eyed. I can just tell. It scared me. We are in that age of, texting, FB Messaging and not much calling. Not that, that is a good thing, it’s just a thing. I live a couple hours away and due to my job, I told her I will see her Saturday morning. I will come and pick her up. She agreed. Through the week, we made a plan and we’re sticking to it. We had to.
What my Sister called me about was our Dad. He is ill. Has been for awhile. Hates the Doctor. Any Doctor. But he is sick. He has lost 80 pounds since the last time I saw him, which was Mother’s day. Almost 4 months ago. He looks bad. And I mean, BAD… He scared me. His nose looked so weird. Kind-of pointy. I have never seen that before. It made me scared. I felt like I was in the 6th grade again.
My Sister and I held up our end. We were strong. Or were we? We became the parents. When your not, that is hard. We don’t want to be the parents. We still want to be the 6th grader. Our Dad has ALWAYS had our back. Still does. I honestly think he loves the two of us more than anybody on the planet.
I had been praying for this day all week. Reached out to my Prayer Warriors and asked for prayer. Okay – I begged for it. Driving home was fine. I was not scared, just nervous. The Lord had my back, again. I just needed this to go. Good… Right?!
My Dad was mad. And I mean, MAD. I think we were expecting more of a hurt feeling senerio. Nope. The madness was scary. And kind-of weird. He would throw his head back and roll his eyes. Several times.
The history is this. He has always had stomach problems. Always. When we walked in the door, I about lost my breath. He appears to be starving. Literally, starving to death. His skin is grey-ish. Our Dad is almost 7 feet tall. Read that again – Seven Feet Tall. He is a big man. He has never been grossly over weight, just huge. A normal shirt size for him is a 5X. That is normal. If he is lucky, he could fit into a 3X, probably a 2X, now. His bottoms don’t stay up.
Yous ask – what happened? I do know that he has been drinking Ensure’s lately. He told me he is doing this “for extra nutrition…”. He had been telling me this on our weekly conversations. This didn’t make me nervous. When we show up and asked what was going on, why have you lost weight?? He tells us, I have a hard time keeping things down. We ask, Does your stomach hurt? He says, No. After continuous conversation he finally tells us that he feels like his stomach is filled with air and when he eats he feels like he has to burp, but he can’t and then the food comes up. WOW! I mean, What?
After this conversation, my Dad wanted us to do lunch. We went and got a pizza. Family tradition. On the way there my Sister and I were just trying to grasp at what was happening. In that car ride we made a plan. She is going to make the Doctor’s appointments from now on. We decided this because, we could not figure out if he was being honest with us when he tells us he has been going to the Doctor. We found it odd, that his Doctor never questioned a 80 pound weight loss? He says he never said anything. I’m pretty sure he has not been going. Due to the weight loss, my Dad is not driving. Why you ask? He has 0 energy. He couldn’t. My Sister will now be in charge of doing this.
After our Dad ate, he didn’t throw up, but he had to spit out his food. It won’t go down, he said. No nutrition. That’s the weight loss. That’s the no energy. This is what is scary.
We have a plan. We have a Doctor some what in place. Pray for us. This is tough.
It’s a lot. My Sister’s is now homeschooling, too. She has a lot more added to her schedule. It sucks. But what do you do? This is where the respect issue comes in. We want to respect his wishes. But we can see more. We know what he is made of. He’s funny. He’s crazy. But more importantly, he is our Dad. He loves us. We want him to want to live. To get better.
His life decisions have been hard. They still are. We see through it. We want him to be well. Why is that so.damn.hard.?
Ever had a really crappy week?? You know the one you knew was coming? You knew it was coming about a year ago? And if you actually sit back and think about it, you knew it has really been coming for a couple years…?? Well, that was my last week. It finally came to a head on Friday. It is Sunday, a new week and the Lord has me moving forward quite graciously.
You know those relationships that are toxic and you can feel the heat. It feels like fire? Sometimes you think about it and just give the situation the serious side-eye? Me! You know the relationship that hurts not just you – but your kiddo? That’s when your Momma mode clicks in. You let it go. Maybe you want your kid to learn a lesson or two. When the hurt continues there is a time you say enough, is enough. That was my last week.
The thing that I am so thankful for is the Lord. He sooooo had this. He literally showed me the way. I felt it every step of the way. The heaviness left. My head quit spinning. He knew this was coming – obviously, more so than me. His guidance helped me breathe. It helped slow me down. I got focused. Focused on what is important. Family is. MY family. My Friends. My growth.
I look back and on this Sunday, I remember the really good things that happened this week. My husband picked a ton of tomatoes he grew and I am now making spaghetti sauce. My neighbor begged us to come pick some of her peaches and I just made peach cobbler. Shared some with one of my Besties and her family. My house is clean! The In-Laws come over and we visited outside with dinner that my husband made. My Son and his GF were both off work and could enjoy the day with us. The Lord is teaching me what being grounded means. I am thankful for that.
I am thankful for this last week | year | last couple of years… Sometimes learning to leave and move on, is what you need. God showed me that. I’m learning how golden it is, just to look the other way and be quiet and pray – a lot. Keeping your thoughts kind and simply saying good bye. #godsgotmyback
A Bonus to this week was – when my In-Laws were here, I asked my MIL where she got her necklace – she said, “Oh, you like it? You can have it…” I LOVE it.